It is interesting how years of learning to love yourself can teach you over 50 important lessons about self-worth, self-esteem, self-love and self-acceptance. When I hit my all-time low half a decade ago, and knew I needed help little did I know that it would lead me on a path of rediscovering myself. Months of coaching brought me to the realisation that I had very poor self-worth and value for myself. All my experiences were linked to how I saw and treated myself.
This was reflected in how others also related to and treated me. I knew I deserved better and so when I was tasked to reflect on the things that made me feel valuable and brought me joy, I got to work. Weeks later I had a whole list of things that brought me joy and gave me a sense of purpose, but that was just the beginning of my healing process. These things I had found were meant to be a guide for me to take responsibility for nurturing my self-worth however they also opened the door to a lot of lessons. Lessons I’ve gained from the experiences I journaled on. Yes, one of my best confidants has been my journal (many of them) in which I recorded my experiences, thoughts and emotions.
There were days when I would be on top of the world because I felt I knew my worth with unshakeable faith and there were days where I’d cry so hard because why was I still being triggered by things I thought I’d worked through and I couldn’t believe how hard this journey was. It is sometimes still hard but I don’t curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out anymore, rather I refer back to my journals and fall back on the tools I have acquired to work through this. In retrospect, I have had some great aha moments and life lessons which I will share here.
1. “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.”
I’ve experienced moments when others couldn’t see my potential for whatever reason and it used to get to me and make me feel insecure. However, when I understood that “I wouldn’t be everybody’s cup of tea and neither will everyone be mine” I decided that the only thing that really mattered in the end was what I thought of myself. It’s crucial to remember that external opinions don’t define our true value.
2. “Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy.”
Nobody, can love me or care for me as I know I deserve, so how I treat myself will be how others treat me. If I see and feel myself worthy of having love then ultimately that is what I will experience. I’ve learned that acknowledging and believing in our worthiness is the first step toward cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and deservedness.
3. “You are enough exactly as you are.”
Being of African descent, I used to think I needed to meet certain standards to be “enough.” My afro hair wasn’t suitable for corporate settings or my accent wasn’t nice so no need to speak in public. What a bunch of lies, my experiences changed when I wore my natural hair to work and people complimented me. I didn’t know if they meant it, but to my face, they acknowledged my uniqueness and that was enough. Not because their recognition was what I was expecting but because I stepped out as true myself and was accepted. Embracing the idea that I am inherently enough has been a game-changer.
4. “Your value is the product of your thoughts about yourself.”
This is still a challenge for me but as Maxwell Maltz, wrote in PsychoCybernetics – we cannot outperform our self-image. How you see yourself and talk to yourself results in how you treat yourself or what you accept from others. I’ve found that self-worth often stems from the thoughts we hold about ourselves. Cultivating positive self-talk can significantly impact how we perceive our worth.
5. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
The day I learnt about one of the Universal laws – the Law of relativity I was so relieved and grateful for the person I am. The law roughly states that everything is relative to something and it all comes down to our perception of what is. My mentor Bob Proctor used to say “Everything just is!” The number of times I’ve fallen into the comparison trap, only to realise that I wasn’t being kind to myself by comparing my journey to somebody else’s is a lot. But one thing I always remember is his words – Know that in this life everyone you meet is better at something than you and than everyone else and the same applies to you. You are also better at something than everyone you will encounter in life.
6. “Your worth is not determined by your productivity.”
The constant need to prove myself almost got me burnt out. I would push and push until one day I simply couldn’t even sit up straight for 15 minutes. That was when the doctor ordered time off and for me to rest. What good was I now lying in bed? the world didn’t stop just because I stopped working and that was when I decided my health above all things. In a world that often values constant productivity, it’s essential to recognize that our worth isn’t solely tied to our achievements.
7. “Celebrate your small steps; they lead to significant successes.”
The big aha moments are all made up of the smaller actions towards them. Realising this, I started celebrating even the smallest achievements, and over time, I realized they contributed to more significant accomplishments. Like when I wouldn’t be affected by someone’s reaction like before, that was a big win for me.
8. “You are not a reflection of those who cannot love you.”
In this life, not everybody you meet will like you and that is ok, understanding that not everyone will appreciate or love us sounds scary but it is liberating. Imagine being “chased” by everyone you meet or everyone agreeing and liking the same things as you do. That I believe will be one long and boring life without nuance.
9. “Invest in yourself; it’s the best investment you can make.”
How many mentors have you paid to have them teach you something? Or what class have you taken that wasn’t obligatory? Well, sometimes we don’t do these things because it’s too expensive or we don’t have time. I appreciate that not everyone will have the funds but where available seek mentorship from books of teachers who have made an impact in the self-development space. I’ve witnessed the transformative power of investing time and energy in personal growth. It pays off in ways we might not immediately see.
10. “Be gentle with yourself; you’re doing the best you can.”
Change won’t happen overnight so be gentle with yourself. I still struggle with this but I am much better at it now, during challenging times, reminding myself that I’m doing my best has been a source of comfort and self-compassion.
11. “Self-love is the best love.”
You are the only person you will have the longest relationship with so it’s your duty to love yourself like no one can. It was hard because I thought self-love was buying stuff for me but embracing self-love has been an eye-opening journey. The toughest days were those I didn’t feel loveable and had to live with myself. I have learnt that is when I need to love myself more. Recognizing its importance has positively impacted my overall well-being.
12. “Your worth is not measured by the scale or tape measure.”
Tell me you’ve never looked in the mirror and thought gosh I need to do something about this weight? Learning to appreciate my body in all seasons and phases has been owed to changing my perception to what it can do rather than focusing on external measures. Self-worth goes beyond physical appearance.
13. “Speak to yourself like you would to someone you love.”
Self-talk can break or make you, seriously. I don’t underestimate the power of words so I am always careful about what I say to and about myself. Let’s say if a friend were facing a challenge, I’d offer words of encouragement so why can’t I do that for me when I am facing a challenge? Extending the same kindness to myself aka self -compassion has been transformative.
14. “You are worthy of the dreams you hold in your heart.”
One thing you and no one else in this world will have in common is the same specific dream. yes, they may be similarities but never the exact same so don’t worry if people don’t get you when you tell them about your dreams. It’s also ok not to share them with everyone until you have achieved them. People’s perceptions and opinions can kill your dream. Pursuing my dreams with conviction has allowed me to recognize that I am deserving of the aspirations I hold.
15. “Your worth is not contingent on being able to do it all.”
We sometimes find ourselves in masculine-dominated jobs, activities etc. where being independent women and men is what is the norm. Embracing my self-worth meant knowing how to juggle both sides of my personality. It allowed me to explore more of my feminine side without compromising my independence. Listening to and appreciating the days when all that mattered was nurturing myself or where I was full of energy and could take over the world has helped me create a better relationship with myself and life.
16. “You are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by how you learn from them.”
It’s human nature to make mistakes that is how we learn so being afraid of making mistakes means never trying or living authentically. I used to let mistakes dictate my self-worth but learning and growing from them has been a powerful shift in perspective.
17. “Stand tall; you are a masterpiece.”
You need not be tall to stand tall but knowing that you are worthy exactly as you are is enough. There are several factors that made me realise that in life’s big puzzle, I am a valuable piece needed to make it work. Me exactly as I am with my quirkiness and all I am a masterpiece. Embracing my uniqueness as a masterpiece has allowed me to stand tall, proud of who I am.
18. “Your worth is not determined by the number of likes or followers you have.”
Now we can’t talk about self-worth while talking about social media can we? I’ve witnessed the impact of social media on self-esteem, but always remembering that the ikes don’t mean anything or add any intrinsic value shows that our worth goes beyond virtual validation.
19. “You are the author of your story; make it a bestseller.”
I can wake up and think that the day is great or bad even when it’s the complete opposite but in all ways I decide how I want my day to go. I can control my reaction to life and not life itself. I’ve taken control of my narrative, recognizing that I have the power to shape my story into one that reflects my worth.
20. “You and I are born worthy and do not need to be constantly validated”
This takes some getting used to but the moment I understood that right from my mum’s womb I was worthy it helped me navigate situations where I was challenged on my values and own sense of worth.
21. “Set boundaries to protect your peace and preserve your worth.”
Did I hear boundaries? Yes, please! The first time I told a colleague no was terrifying but it happened to be the start of respecting myself and therefore earning their respect. Establishing boundaries, in all my relationships has been crucial for maintaining a sense of peace and protecting my overall well-being.
22. “Being assertive is a form of self-love.”
Paulo Coelho wrote – Make sure when you say yes to others you are not saying no to you. This has helped me learn to be assertive and listen to my needs. It has helped me protect my energy and mental health for I have in many ways weighed my responses in this light.
23. “Your worth is not determined by the opinions of others but by how you perceive yourself.”
As a people pleaser, the one thing that can be paralysing is what people think of you. I have been there before and others were the center of my life. I would drop everything to be and do things but that got me nowhere it rather made me sad and living a life that wasn’t true to my values, in the end, everyone is thinking about themselves. So shifting my focus from external opinions to self-perception has been a transformative journey toward self-worth.
24. “You are worthy of love and kindness, starting with yourself.”
Marisa Peer teaches this to all her clients of how loveable we are. Practising self-love and kindness has paved the way for more meaningful connections not only with others but also with myself.
25. “Don’t let the world define your worth; define it for yourself.”
Be your own cheerleader, choose every day to forgive yourself if you carry guilt or love yourself a little harder. If we don’t have a strong sense of self and compassion we will live a shell of a life when we listen or pay attention to what the world around us desires of us. Choosing myself every day has made it easy for me to check in with myself as to how I am feeling and doing. What challenges am I facing and what can I do about it?
26. “Your worth is a treasure; treat it as such.”
There will be times on this journey when you don’t feel worthy or loveable. One thing I have done over and over on this journey is to journal how I am feeling on my high days. Yes, I have written down, what I am wearing, eating, doing and so when the low days come around I pick this up, read and pick an activity I can easily do to get myself back up again.
27. “Take care of yourself and see the beauty within yourself; it radiates outward.”
We can’t pour out of empty cups so our first priority is to take care of ourselves mentally and physically. When I started prioritizing my self-care I grew more calm, less stressed and started getting compliments of how I was radiating. I hadn’t changed much just how I was taking time for myself.
28. “Investing in experiences that nourish your soul; they contribute to your worth.”
The time I spend with my sister at home or out for brunch does fill my cup a lot. This time spent together is always a meaningful experience and connection that contributes significantly to a sense of fulfilment and self-worth.
29. “Your journey is unique; don’t compare it to others.”
This one ties in well with the comparison piece but like all the fingers on the hand we are all different and so are our life’s journey. Embracing the uniqueness of my journey has allowed me to appreciate the lessons and growth that come with it.
30. “Your worth it’s an inside job.”
We might sometimes attribute our worth to the external, to the material things and that is true to some extent but true and authentic self-worth is cultivated from the inside out. Before I started my rediscovery journey I thought overextending myself in different ways like buying the latest wearable gadgets etc. would make me worthy of the love and belonging I desired. None of it helped until I started showing myself the love and respect I expected from the outside.
31. “Setbacks are stepping stones to success; they don’t define your worth.”
Detours, setbacks you name it, are a natural part of life and they don’t diminish our worth. Instead, if we look at them as opportunities to stop and reflect or evaluate we might find that they offer growth possibilities.
32. “Your worth isn’t diminished by rejection; it’s redirected toward better opportunities.”
If you are reading this then you’ve probably been rejected before. I used to think it had everything to do with me but experiencing rejection led me to some of the most fulfilling opportunities I’ve ever encountered, reinforcing the idea that my worth remains intact.
33. “Surround yourself with those who uplift and appreciate your worth.”
My family has been my anchor, I know this might not be the case for everyone but there is a possibility to cultivate a supportive circle that can be instrumental in reinforcing a sense of self-worth.
34. “Your worth isn’t contingent on external circumstances; it’s an internal compass.”
Having relearned to love myself again I know that my worth will always remain constant, even in the face of external challenges, yes everything else around me can change but how worthy I am and I feel myself to be remains the same and this serves as a guiding force.
35. “Be proud of your journey; every step is a testament to your resilience.”
In retrospect I can say I am one tough cookie, celebrating my journey, with all its ups and downs, highs and lows, has allowed me to appreciate my resilience and strength.
36. “Fighting for something you value makes your self-worth grow”
This is when knowing what your values are comes in handy. I didn’t understand why I could get so frustrated when someone disrespected me, a loved one or a complete stranger until I did the values test and found respect to be one of my greatest values. I then started shunning the company of people who’d talk down, disrespect others or counteract a rude comment by calling them out. I grew more confident every time I stood up against disrespect.
37. “Practice gratitude for the unique qualities that make you who you are.”
If gratitude isn’t a part of your life please can I encourage you to start practising? For the longest time gratitude has been a part of my morning and evening rituals and that has always brought me to a place of peace even when there’s chaos all around me. I show gratitude for almost anything but when it comes to me some aspects are appreciating the qualities and experiences that contribute to my worth.
38. “You are a work in progress, and that’s perfectly okay.”
This journey is a lifelong one so, embracing the idea of being a work in progress has allowed me to approach self-improvement with an open mind, patience and kindness.
39. “Your worth isn’t defined by societal standards; create your own definition.”
This is tough but in our own small way, we can create the standards that are in alignment with our values and worth. Many black women might relate that wearing braids to work is seen as not very corporate well I believe braids can be made classy and elegant. I have had braids to match my corporate attires, challenging societal norms and creating my own definition of worth has been a liberating experience.
40. “Dress, speak, and live in a way that reflects your worth.”
To be able to wear my hair in braids of lovely dresses made from African prints was a big no in the past but today I proudly wear these totally embracing that part of my heritage. I’ve realized that aligning my actions with my worth enhances my self-image and how I present myself to the world.
41. “Your worth isn’t determined by the opinions of those who don’t understand your journey.”
If given everyone will have an opinion about your life but don’t give everyone a seat at your table. Understanding that not everyone will comprehend my journey has been liberating, even people I thought would understand didn’t and that is now OK because why I do what I do and how I do it is for my personal well-being. My worth doesn’t rely on external understanding.
42. “Silence your inner critic; it doesn’t define your worth.”
Whenever self-doubt kicks in I immediately remind myself I already have external critics and so I do not need to be one to myself. Challenging my inner critic and practising self-compassion has been pivotal in recognizing my intrinsic worth.
43. “Your worth is a beacon; let it guide you toward meaningful connections.”
You teach people how to treat you. My mum said this once and it has been one saying I remember whenever I feel out of place. I’ve come to learn that recognizing my worth serves as a guiding light, leading me to authentic connections and relationships.
44. “Invest time in activities that bring you joy; they contribute to your overall worth.”
One of my all-time favourites apart from writing is baking. Baking is my happy place and an activity that gives me so much joy and fulfilment. Engaging in activities I love has positively influenced my mood, contributing to a sense of fulfilment and worth.
45. “You are a unique masterpiece; don’t try to fit into someone else’s canvas.”
For some reason I got the tattoo of a biblical verse Psalm 139:14 – I am fearfully and wonderfully created on me even before I went on this journey. This has been an anchor for the days I haven’t felt great about my body I remember this quote, which has helped me embrace my uniqueness.
46. “Your worth isn’t determined by external validation but by your internal acknowledgement.”
These days I ask myself the question – Is this making little Sheila happy? If so then I know that is all the confirmation I need. I’ve shifted my focus from seeking constant external validation to acknowledging and embracing my worth internally.
47. “Celebrate your progress, no matter how small; it’s a testament to your journey.”
I have grown to appreciate the big and small encounters and though not all of them carry the same weight I still take pride in being able to stick to a gym routine for years. Celebrating small victories has allowed me to appreciate the progress made on my personal growth journey.
48. “Your worth isn’t diminished by imperfections; they add character to your story.”
How much I love my 4C afro hair and that “funny” accent of mine. Yes, I have grown accustomed to standing in the mirror and acknowledging the things I once used to hate about myself. Recognizing the beauty in my imperfections has been crucial in embracing my authenticity and worth.
49. “Surround yourself with positivity; it enhances your perception of self-worth.”
It’s true that the road to the top can be lonely so is the road to wanting better for yourself. In this journey be prepared to lose “friends” because not everyone will like that you are standing up for yourself. When this happens, lovingly let them go and seek out newer connections this may be online groups or at events. Surround yourself with people who will lift you up and make you feel that you matter.
50. “Your worth is a journey, not a destination; enjoy the process.”
How I wish this was a destination but I’ve come to accept that with every new phase and change in my life, I will have to cultivate a different degree of self-worth. Understanding that self-worth is a continuous journey has allowed me to find joy in the ongoing process of self-discovery.
Summing It Up
I know this has been a long article but hopefully given some valuable input to consider on your self-worth journey as well. If you are having challenges or have any experiences to share please feel free to share them in the comments. Remember, your worth is immeasurable, and you have the power to shape your narrative. Embrace your uniqueness, celebrate your victories, and let these lessons serve as reminders of the incredible worth you carry within.
Love & Light
Sheila Daisy
