Learning to embrace my self-worth while navigating societal expectations hasn’t been without its challenges, personally and collectively as an African-born girl growing up in the West. Though this concept does not pertain to Africans in the Diaspora, I’ve come to realize that the tension between societal expectations and personal self-worth is a common experience for many.
You may be able to relate to the feeling of constantly balancing what society expects of you with who you know you are and aspire to be. It’s no small task to maintain a sense of self in a world that often seems to have its own agenda for our lives.
The term ‘societal expectations’ encompasses the unwritten rules and norms that each culture establishes for its members. These can dictate career choices, relationships, appearance, and behaviour. For me, these were a mix of very confusing “rules” that I had to make sense of to carve my own identity and self-image. It can be suffocating, to say the least.
Yes, my self-worth went deeper to encompass redefining my self-image and self-acceptance. On the one hand, self-worth is an internal measure, an intrinsic belief in one’s own value and capabilities. It’s essential, yet often shaken by the weight of external pressures. I still struggled with my sense of self up until my mid-thirties. Up until now, I didn’t really appreciate my African heritage as much as I do now because all the ideals and standards I saw around me had very little to do with that.
But then a relocation, a bad breakup and an acknowledgement of feeling lost in life got me to reassess who I was, who I wanted to become and what mattered to me. It hit me that I didn’t have answers to these because I was living after certain unwritten rules that had nothing to do with and for the real me. Yes, they made me conform to the supposed “ideal” but that meant living a shell of the life I am destined to live. I decided to take responsibility for the life I wanted and dreamed of living so I started asking myself these questions:
Who am I?
Who do I want to become?
… and What really matters to me?
In countless journal entries, I wrote and rewrote the answers that came to me until I suddenly began to feel a sense of direction and purpose.
Understanding this dynamic of who I am at my core, is the first step to navigating it. These questions brought up uncomfortable realisations that challenged beliefs I’d known for the longest time. It is critical to acknowledge the potential conflict and to give yourself permission to question and challenge societal norms.
One thing that helped me a lot was also learning to set boundaries with myself and others, we will look at this in more detail in a later section. When people would make “funny” comments to disrespect others or myself I’d politely bring their attention to it making them aware it wasn’t ok and then leave that company. Setting boundaries is an act of defiance against these pressures, a declaration that you are in control of your life and choices. It’s about protecting your mental health and personal space from being dictated by societal cues and expectations.
However, one cannot be assertive and set the correct boundaries if one doesn’t know what their values are and what really matters to them. Knowing your values and what really matters, is what I see as the compass that guides you through the murky waters of societal pressures. When you’re clear on what is truly important to you, it becomes easier to chart your course and stand firm in your convictions, even when societal pressures try to persuade you in a different direction.
Knowing Your Values: The Foundation of Building Self-Worth
Understanding what truly matters to us, and the personal values we hold dear plays a crucial role in building our sense of self-worth. When we’re clear about our values, we are able to equip ourselves with a compass that reliably guides us through life’s many challenges and decisions.
While societal expectations often come with a set of predefined norms, it’s critical to recognize that these don’t have to dictate our personal benchmarks for success and happiness. Our values are unique to us and are often shaped by our experiences, beliefs, and personal introspection.
Identifying your values isn’t always straightforward; it can require deep reflection and honesty with yourself. Start by considering the times you’ve felt most fulfilled or proud of your actions. These instances can offer a window into what’s non-negotiable in your life. I appreciate that this might not be easy for everyone to do in all societies so I don’t downplay this challenge but rather encourage that where possible we find out what matters to us and stand by these.
While it’s important to be aware of and understand societal expectations, it doesn’t mean we must conform to them entirely, especially if doing so clashes with our personal truths. Balancing our own values with those of society is a delicate but essential task—our contentment and sense of self depend on it.
Next, we’ll turn our focus to setting boundaries—a concept deeply connected to knowing your values. Setting boundaries is an empowering act, one that affirms our values and our commitment to our self-worth.
The Art of Saying ‘No’ to Preserve Self-Worth
Mastering the art of setting boundaries is vital in maintaining your self-worth in the face of societal expectations. By doing so, you clarify your needs and preferences to others, and more importantly, to yourself. It’s about giving yourself permission to prioritize your well-being and respecting your own limits.
Setting boundaries can be a challenge because most of us grow up without questioning authority or being able to express ourselves openly. To begin setting effective boundaries, start small. Identify situations where you feel overextended or uncomfortable. Is it saying ‘yes’ to every social engagement? Taking on extra work you don’t have the bandwidth for? Recognize these moments and prepare to assertively communicate your limits. Remember, ‘No’ is a complete sentence.
Once you’ve identified these situations, plan your approach. Articulate your boundaries clearly and without apology. This isn’t about being unkind; it’s about being honest and direct. An example could be, ‘I appreciate your invite, but I need some time to myself this weekend.’ Do not add any other explanation as to why you need time. Anyone who values and respects you should be ok with this answer.
The impact of well-established boundaries stretches into every area of your life, from friendships to career paths. It tells people what you will and will not tolerate, serving as an essential component of self-respect. Clear limits can also foster deeper understanding and appreciation in your relationships, as they set clear expectations.
It is worth noting that boundaries will often be tested. You may receive pushback from those accustomed to your previous availability or flexibility. When this happens, hold firm. This shows that you respect yourself, and over time, others will follow suit. If people get frustrated with your boundary setting it is the more reason that you need to set a boundary with them. It’s not always easy, but it’s important for your emotional health and longevity in any role or relationship.
Moreover, setting boundaries can be empowering as each time you stand up for your preferences and what matters to you, you reinforce your sense of agency over your life. You’re effectively telling yourself, and the world, that you value your self-worth and are not willing to compromise it for societal approval.
Take Home Message
In this article, we’ve explored how navigating societal expectations while maintaining a strong sense of self-worth is not just a one-time exercise but an ongoing commitment to yourself. By getting a better understanding of who we are, what matters most to us and what we won’t tolerate we can cultivate a good sense of self amidst societal expectations. Every step you take to recognize your own values and establish boundaries is a stride towards authentic living. Remember, the expectations of society are ever-changing, and it’s YOUR inner compass that must guide your journey.
Summing it up, acknowledge the small changes that happen when you are on this journey and celebrate your personal victories, large and small because these are the true measures of your progress. Whether it’s asserting your needs in a relationship, taking a stand in your career, or simply choosing to spend time in ways that fulfil you, these moments are foundational to building self-worth.
Support from others can be invaluable, but it should never overshadow the significance of your own voice. Seek out those who respect your boundaries, share your values, and cheer on your efforts to remain true to yourself.
Always bear in mind that as you grow and evolve, your understanding of self-worth may also shift. This isn’t a sign of setback but rather a natural progression of self-awareness. By continuously reflecting on your experiences and listening to your inner voice, you can navigate life’s complexities with confidence.
I hope this article has helped in some way and if it has I’d love to hear your thoughts or questions if you have any so kindly share these in the comments.
Love & light
Sheila Daisy
