If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.― Charles Bukowski
Self love has so many connotations that it’s become more of a cliché in recent years. However, my journey of self-discovery began when I learnt what the importance of self-love is and what it really means to me. As a self-worth coach this is the core of my life’s work and having come from a place of unworthiness myself to working through my challenges and developing a framework for cultivating self-love, I am amazed at how much there is still to learn on this. In this article, we will explore the importance of self-love for our well-being.
At its very core self-love is the act of genuinely caring for and valuing ourselves. It involves accepting our strengths and imperfections, treating ourselves with kindness, and recognising our intrinsic worth. It is the foundation that allows us to accept our qualities and limitations whilst reinforcing our worth.
My Journey to Unraveling the Layers of Self-Love
I remember when I was asked by my first coach years ago if I loved myself and I replied “I think I do”
“What do you love about yourself?” she asked
“Well… erm… I love that I make people laugh and I like to make people feel good around me”
“Right, but what do you love about you?” She asked again
I thought I had answered the question but no I had answered how I like to make people feel loved, so I tried again.
“I love that I am hardworking and I love to give,” I replied.
She looked at me smiled and said “In all your answers you talk about how you make people feel, I want to know how you make you feel?”
How do I make myself feel? I hadn’t thought about that so thinking for a while I asked, “In what ways do you mean?” She responded “How do you make yourself feel? As in what are your inner conversations, how do you take care of yourself and what do you normally do to nourish yourself?”
Challenges in Grasping Self-Love
All these were new topics for me, for I had never put so much thought into how I treated myself till then. This got me on a journey of self-discovery, self-healing and finding ways – my way, of cultivating self-love. See, I found that self love though very basic will mean and show up in different ways and forms to each one of us so, in finding how to nourish yourself, you will have to try out different things. When I got home I went online and started researching what is self-love and how can I practice this. Yes, I really did.
Going Beyond the Generic Notions
All that came up for me was very vague and generic, go out shopping, go to the spa, get a manicure, the list goes on but none of these were what I was desiring then. I was hurting inside and nothing that I applied on the external would do. To be able to fully enjoy these things you will have to like the person you are and at that time my appreciation of myself wasn’t anything to write home about. I realised this is where the general information of cultivating self-love falls through the cracks.
The Depth of Self-Love is Simple, Yet Challenging
Learning to love yourself in adulthood is simple but very difficult to do, as you have to first come to terms with the person you are in your current state and then start building on it. It’s simple because it doesn’t require much but an honest look at your current situation and mindset. Difficult because this can bring up so many things we’d much rather not explore. However, if we are to experience what true self-love is, then we will have to do the inner work. I did it and still do it and the healing and growth hasn’t been without tears, disappointments, boundary-setting, laughter, support and a lot of aha moments.
The Diverse Facets Aspects of Self-Love
So far, in my journey, I have discovered that self-love is so much more than your spa treatments or shopping sprees and includes all of the following, but not exhaustive.
Self-love is keeping the promises I make to myself, have you had times when you were so motivated to start a new habit then after a couple of days or weeks you quit, do you also quit when you promise to do something for someone? I bet you don’t and why is that so? Why do you value the other person more than yourself?
Self-love is being consistent this ties in with the first point loving myself is showing up for myself with the things I have decided to do and then keeping at it. I might not feel like it but I am still going to do it. Just like school runs you might not necessarily feel like doing however we do it out of obligation to our family so whatever you have started, do it out of obligation to you.
Self-love is talking nicely to and about myself. I had an old acquaintance comment on my accent once and this played like a recording in my mind whenever I wanted to speak up. It went like this – your accent isn’t like the queen’s so no one will listen to you. What a lie! Working through this I have found a deep appreciation for the voice and accent I have been gifted with.
I speak up and I frequently tell myself what a unique voice and accent I have that allows me to share my message and make me relatable to my community. I also thought why criticise myself when I have other people doing that for me? Now, I use my voice in recorded affirmations and meditations to empower myself and anyone who will listen.
Self-love is setting healthy boundaries for yourself and others and walking away from anyone or situation that disrespects me.
Self-love is appreciating your strengths and acknowledging your limits and learning to live with them harmoniously.
Self-love is allowing yourself to receive graciously. When help is offered it is not needy to accept or being helpless to ask for help. Loving yourself helps you to navigate when you need help and the courage to ask.
Self-love is taking time to nourish yourself. Learn to fill your cup and don’t feel guilty for doing so. One of my new favourites is, self-love is learning to say NO without the need for explanations. The list goes on but these are a few examples that I have incorporated in my life. Which has resulted in a deeper appreciation and respect for myself since I have been practising them.
The Ongoing Journey of Self-Love as I Learn to Respect and Rediscover My True Self
The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”― Steve Maraboli
Self-love, now to me is starting a new and deeper relationship with myself, it is respecting myself enough to give me time to rediscover myself, my values, heal and find my voice. Being able to face the hard past and embracing the person I have become has been and is still a journey of learning to love myself more and more each day.
With each new encounter and experience comes the opportunity to see how far I have come and to learn something new about myself. I know that I will and can never stop practicing self love for I understand the importance of continually choosing to love myself through all phases of life.
The journey of self-love is intricate, and it differs for each one of us, so as you read this I hope it has encouraged you to look at what self-love means to you and how you are cultivating it. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below and let’s further explore this enriching topic.
Love & Light
Sheila Daisy
