It is easy to be kind to people we care about when they stumble or make mistakes but we tend to be rather hard on ourselves when we fail at something. Why is it so easy to show compassion and grace to others but not to ourselves? I have always been ambitious and that meant setting some very tough goals for myself. I didn’t always achieve these, which made me feel disappointed in myself, so when I hit rock bottom about four years ago and was “forced” to reassess my priorities and well-being, cultivating self-compassion and acceptance was top on my list.
Through the coaching sessions, I understood that my lack of self-worth was why I was so hard on myself because I just couldn’t see myself as worthy of the things I worked so hard for, exactly as I was. This realisation got me digging as to how I could show myself the same grace I showed others. My search led me to various resources curated by Dr Kristin Neff a leading expert in the field, and her team and that was where my study of self-compassion began.
Self-compassion goes deeper than doing nice things for ourselves it’s an approach to treating ourselves with the same kindness and care we’d offer to a good friend. It’s that supportive voice that steps in when we’re facing tough times, reminding us that everyone has struggles and that it’s okay not to be perfect. These might be the same of self-esteem as in both concepts you literally become your own cheerleader.
Now you might be wondering how self-compassion differs from self-esteem. Self-esteem often depends on outside achievements and comparisons with others, while self-compassion is about showing ourselves grace regardless of our successes or failures. It’s about recognizing our common humanity, embracing our imperfections, and being mindful of our feelings without being overpowered by them.
When we cultivate self-compassion, we’re essentially nurturing our self-worth, allowing it to blossom from within rather than hinge on external validation. This inner harmony is what Dr. Kristin Neff, emphasizes. She encourages embracing both the gentle and assertive sides of self-compassion, forming a more balanced approach to our inner well-being.
In my opinion, understanding self-compassion is the key to unlocking a deeper level of self-acceptance. It’s also about knowing when to be kind and when to stand strong, creating a sense of inner balance that radiates outward. When we acknowledge the power of self-compassion, we’re setting the stage for a healthier relationship with ourselves, which is what we’re going to explore next.
The Myths and Barriers to Self-Acceptance
There’s a cluster of myths swirling around what self-compassion is, myths that can make it hard for people to truly embrace themselves. This isn’t just about dispelling falsehoods; it’s also about understanding why these myths can be so sticky.
One common misconception is that self-compassion is a form of self-pity or that it means wallowing in your sorrows. In my opinion that couldn’t be further from the truth. Self-compassion is about acknowledging your pain with kindness and understanding, not exaggerating it. It’s about being able to be vulnerable with and to yourself.
Another is, that people often confuse being compassionate with oneself for being self-indulgent or complacent. But these are not the same. Practising self-compassion actually involves a balanced approach to our emotions and experiences, ensuring we don’t ignore our pain or our potential for growth.
Then there are psychological barriers which can also stand in the way. Many of us are raised with the idea that criticism, whether from others or ourselves, is a key motivator for improvement. This belief can create a significant stumbling block on the path to self-acceptance.
Furthermore, societal influences can’t be overlooked either. Society tends to value productivity and perfection, often leading to the thought that self-criticism is a necessary evil to achieve success. Or the not tooting one’s horn is ok.
Growing up in Denmark there is this unwritten code of conduct that stems from fiction but is used colloquially to convey a social attitude of disapproval towards expressions of individuality and personal success. Unconsciously many stick to this and so people rarely acknowledge themselves in any public gathering. This pressure can lead to a devaluation of self-worth, as we constantly strive to meet external standards.
Now, moving from understanding these barriers to overcoming them is crucial. That’s going to include shifting our mindset and adopting practical steps to cultivate a kinder inner voice. So, let’s see how we can add some daily practices by cultivating inner kindness and what the role of mindfulness, and the power of a compassionate dialogue has on ourselves.
Cultivating Inner Kindness: Practical Tips and Techniques
There are so many ways we can practice self-compassion as this will be different from person to person but here are some tried-and-true strategies. It’s not just about feeling better in the moment; it’s about building lasting habits that support our self-worth over time.
It is worth noting that daily practices can make a big difference no matter how small with consistency this becomes a huge thing. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day for self-reflection. Ask yourself, ‘What am I feeling?’ and ‘What do I need?’ This isn’t self-indulgence; it’s self-respect. Try journaling, drawing, doodling, colouring or whatever you prefer, your thoughts and feelings. Putting pen to paper can be incredibly therapeutic and help you track your progress on this journey.
Mindfulness also plays a crucial role as well. It’s about staying present and nonjudgmental with our feelings. You can always adjust your approach down the road, but beginning with simple breathing exercises or meditation can help you get in tune with your emotions and reduce stress.
It is important to also, pay attention to the conversations you have with yourself. Developing a compassionate inner dialogue is central to self-compassion. Instead of harsh self-criticism, speak to yourself as you would to a good friend—in a kind, understanding, and supportive manner. One trick I use is pretending to speak to my very younger self in my mirror work or even my inner conversation.
I’m a big advocate for using self-compassion breaks when things get tough. Whenever you’re faced with a difficult situation or emotion, pause. Offer yourself words of comfort and encouragement. Even a quick moment to acknowledge your struggle and remind yourself that you’re not alone can be powerful. When I have some of these moments I normally will call out my pet name – one that my mum used for me when I was younger and then talk to myself as if I was talking to that 5- 8 year old me.
Embracing self-compassion truly enhances your self-worth. But remember, this isn’t just about being your own best friend; it’s also about harnessing the strength to stand up for yourself. The fierce aspect of self-compassion is all about combining softness with strength in the face of life’s challenges.
The Role of Fierce Self-Compassion in Personal Growth
Having come to the point in my life where I know that self-compassion is more than just being kind to myself and also about being your own ally I have grown to accept me and every phase of my life’s journey as is. That’s where fierce self-compassion comes into play. Fierce self-compassion is the assertive side of self-kindness, where you stand up for yourself and set boundaries when necessary. Life happens and most of the time our plans don’t go to plan but rather than being discouraged and frustrated, fierce self-compassion allows you the grace to act accordingly in the situations we find ourselves in.
If you want to cultivate self-worth, you can’t ignore the yin and yang of self-compassion. When life throws unwanted experiences at you fierce self-compassion will be when we stand our ground and then in a gentle way, in the moment, provide the nurturing we need at the same time. It’s the combination of a gentle, accepting approach with the courage to protect and assert yourself. You can always adjust your approach down the road, but incorporating this balance from the get-go makes a huge difference.
Think about it: when you face challenges or someone tries to put you down, you need the strength to say no, to say, ‘I matter, and I will not accept anything less.’ Fierce self-compassion empowers you to do just that, strengthening your self-worth in the process. This isn’t a one-time act, either. It’s a practice you build over time.
The first time I had to say NO was hard. It was with a work colleague transferring more projects to me so much I was overworking myself just so I could be accepted and seen. I was afraid it would cost me my job but what I found out was that it was ok for me to say NO. So I kept on practicing it putting my well-being first.
Here’s one strategy I like to leverage: use affirmations and visualization to build up your fierce self-compassion. Imagine yourself standing tall and confidently expressing your needs. As I do my mirror work I visualise how I want to be treated and spoken to and this has actually been very helpful in letting people know right on the spot if they do something that disrespects me. Regular reflection on your right to respect and dignity is key. When you encounter situations that call for you to be fierce, you’ll be prepared.
Also, know that there’s a lot of opportunity in real-life situations to practice fierce self-compassion. Whether it’s in personal relationships or the workplace, opportunities to stand up for yourself abound. By practising, you’ll notice how asserting your needs directly relates to a sense of increased self-worth.
Overcoming Self-Criticism: Your Ally in Self-Worth Enhancement
If there is one thing I have picked up in my personal development journey and always make a conscious effort not to forget is that self-criticism can be your worst enemy. But what if you used it to your advantage? Let’s see how we can make the shift from self-criticism to self-worth.
That’s going to include recognizing self-criticism not just as a hindrance, but as a potential catalyst for growth. It’s tricky, no doubt, but finding the balance is key. You’re going to find out about strategies that help turn the relentless critic inside your head into a constructive coach.
This isn’t just about silencing that inner voice; it’s also about transforming it. If you want to feel better about yourself, it’s critical to deal with self-criticism head-on. Don’t worry too much about getting it perfect out of the gate. Your first attempt doesn’t need to be your last. There have been countless times where I have gone back to my journal so frustrated about an aspect of life I have been working on and thought I had healed only to find that I still have a lot of work to do there.
These days when I fail at something rather than being frustrated or disappointed in myself I use failures and setbacks as opportunities for learning and self-compassion. By actively choosing thoughts that resonate with me, my innate self-worth starts to shine through the fog of self-doubt.
Now, I really hope that you embrace the transformation from self-criticism to self-worth as it sets the stage for nurturing self-compassion as a lifelong commitment.
Nurturing Self-Compassion as a Lifelong Commitment
The art of being compassionate with ourselves is a lifelong journey that can be hard and messy and challenging but it is worth every bit of us trying. Like any worthwhile skill, self-compassion needs patience and commitment to blossom fully.
If you’re wondering how to maintain self-compassion throughout life’s different experiences remember that it’s about coming back to kindness and understanding for yourself, again and again. Each time you do, you’ll be reinforcing your sense of self-worth, and that’s something that can weather quite a storm.
Integrating self-compassion into our values isn’t just about improving our own lives but also that of others around us. It’s about setting an example as to how we expect to be treated. When you treat yourself with compassion, you’re sending a message to those around you. You’re showing that it’s not only okay to be kind to oneself—it’s essential.
Final Thoughts
Even though we have discussed in detail the importance of cultivating self-compassion and acceptance on an individual level it is noteworthy that this concept isn’t just about us individually; it’s about fostering a culture where self-compassion is the norm, not the exception. Thus how we stand up and show up for ourselves becomes the example of how the world around us treats us. Imagine a society that actively encourages understanding, patience, and forgiveness towards oneself. The ripple effect on collective well-being could be immense.
So my question to you today is, what small step can you take towards greater self-compassion? Maybe it’s as simple as affirming your worth aloud or as bold as setting boundaries. Each step counts. You’re building a more harmonious inner world, and I really hope that you’ll see this as a journey worth committing to. I’d be happy to answer any questions and love to know your thoughts so kindly do share them in the comments.
Love & Light
Sheila Daisy
