Learn Self Love Through the 5 Love Languages

Have you ever wondered what your self-love language is?

You might be wondering what the love languages have to do with self-love, well the love languages are not only important when it comes to romantic partnering or parenting they also are important to how you interact with other people and treat yourself.

So, what if I told you, that we could explore self-love through the 5 love languages and that you could also fill your Self-love tank by knowing what your love language is? The five love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch, when these are acknowledged and nurtured explain the way we receive, express and give love.

The Interplay Between Self-Love and Love Languages

Oh, but how do you figure out what your love language is? What exactly will knowing this do for you? The simple answer is knowing what your love language is, allows for a great relationship with yourself and better communication in relationships with others.

Knowing what lights you up and being able to express this makes it easy for your love tank to be filled from time to time. You cannot expect someone’s actions to fill your love tank or rather speak your love language when you do not know it yourself.

So what is your love language? Find out here.

Applying the concepts of the Love Languages to Self-Love

For now, let’s explore one of my dominant love languages – Words of Affirmation – yes you can have more than one dominant and sometimes as time goes on, your dominant love language might change.

Words of Affirmation

Do you light up receiving compliments and unexpected praise?

Have you wondered why something someone told you before either made or broke your spirit? Why do you go out of your way to encourage and acknowledge people with your words?

For you words are powerful and when spoken and heard repetitively turn to become beliefs. If your love language is Words of Affirmation then you feel love when it is expressed through spoken affection, praise, acknowledgement or appreciation. You might also be very sensitive to words that are used about you or other people in general.

Having Words of Affirmation as a dominant language doesn’t mean fishing for compliments but just that appreciation of your worth shown by others is much felt when spoken out.

Heck, sometimes the brief moment a boss stops to congratulate you at the water fountain or drops an email with your other colleagues to congratulate you is even more than the pay rise that comes without any acknowledgement. In the same way, if you are chastised you might take it harder than someone whose love language isn’t Words of Affirmation.

If you grew up in an environment where your caretakers were generous with and mindful of their words and acknowledged you whenever seen fit then you will have a good relationship with accepting compliments that fill your love tank or know how to affirm yourself.

However, if you grew up in an environment where your love language wasn’t very much expressed by caretakers and relations you might struggle to easily accept these “affirmations” and recognition from others now.

Even though this is how you feel valued, seen and heard you might still deflect when praised. This is quite normal in our society but as you and I thrive on Words of Affirmation we will need to find a way of getting our love tank filled especially by ourselves.

I have found some good exercises that have helped me over the years and are now incorporated into my self-care routines. Here are a few of my favourites:

Affirming yourself through mirror work.

This is one of the hardest but impactful exercises, to look yourself straight in the eye in the mirror and affirm to you what you would love to hear. This practice is also suggested by many coaches and therapists when working on your self-image and self-love. Maybe, at first, you will struggle to say these affirmations to yourself as you look at yourself in the mirror.

A trick I use when doing this is even though I am looking at my adult self in the mirror, I imagine I am saying those words to my younger self about 6-10 years old, this feels so much easier and natural.

Journaling on your strengths and efforts.

When we feel undervalued in some cases, another way I have found is journaling on the things, areas that I am good at or what I have accomplished. I noticed that this brings me not only to the present moment but also to the gifts and abilities that I am endowed with. Another way to empower yourself and also reflect on your progress as well.

Practicing self-compassion exercises.

This is a big one and was a challenge for me, for a good number of years. I used to be so hard on myself if things didn’t go as expected, was criticised or even missed an opportunity.

I felt it was my fault all these things happening but until I learned that I can’t control others’ actions, perceptions and attitudes but only control mine I became more aware and started accepting of things being out of my control or the timing not being right.

This gave me a reason to be kinder and more patient with myself. Now when I meet those encounters, I study the situation and and ask, was there anything I could do? Was this opportunity really what I wanted? Will taking this course of action make me stay true to my values? By the time I got through these questions most of my frustration would have subsided.

Don’t get me wrong though, I still get frustrated and affected in the moment but I have learnt to be more gentle with myself by going through these reflective questions. It gets me to see things from a calmer perspective and so become more understanding of the situation at hand and my role in it. That brings us to my all-time favourite.

Keeping a gratitude journal.

I cannot tell you enough how much this practice has shifted so many things – perspectives for me. When I am down and cannot find the slightest thing to be grateful for, I pick my journal and begin to go through a list of my current state, health, and environment, and when it comes to the love language, I focus mostly on what I love about myself.

Not a narcissist but I have a genuine appreciation for the person, characteristics and abilities that I am and have. Just like the second practice above on journaling here I go deeper and give thanks for what that ability helps me do, how my body carries me perfectly around or whatever you love about your body, personality or character because remember what you appreciate will increase and what you complain about will remain.

Keeping a gratitude journal comes in many ways and if you would like to know how I implement some of these different forms do have a read of my article here.

These are not exhaustive for the love language of Words of Affirmation but a few that I know when incorporated into your self-care routine will be truly beneficial. For Words of Affirmation one of my favourite affirmations is: I AM ENOUGH.

Is Quality Time Your Love Language?

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what matters.

Being an extrovert I love hosting, having people around and being in social settings most of the time so initially, when I realised that my enjoyment of being in social settings wasn’t just about quantity but quality.

Then knowledge of the love languages gave me a better understanding, of why even as an extrovert I’d much rather spend time with one person on a deeper level than amidst many on a shallow level. My other dominant love language is Quality Time as you can tell. So, let’s see how this plays out in our self-love practices.

In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself – Laurence Sterne

Do you find yourself craving deeper connection when surrounded by people you enjoy spending time with or even would you rather be by yourself doing something you enjoy alone than be in the company that drains or doesn’t add value to you? Quality Time might be your love language.

You are selfless with your time and attention when you are with people you enjoy being with but you are also not shy to turn down an appointment with many to be with just one. For you, having and giving undivided attention is a vital part of your communication and the way you show and want to receive love. So, if this is your love language then filling your love tank could maybe include:

Setting time aside for mindfulness practices and reflection.

There are so many ways to use your time alone and mindfully you can meditate, journal, go for a walk or a long drive. I for one love to bake and write so coming up with new recipes or journaling either for personal reflection or on my projects are some of the ways I love to spend quality time with myself.

Spend time in nature.

I discovered my love for nature and its “healing” power at quite a later stage in my life maybe just because I am now able to appreciate it more, so a long walk in the woods or a park is one of my favourite weekly getaways.

A time when I can think of everything and nothing at the same time. The alone time to listen to the birds chirping if there are any, see the little shoots of different plants emerging or even smell and feel the soil after the rain. A time I get to put on my headphones, layer up and get out of my everyday environment into the outdoors to recharge is one I truly appreciate.

Make sure you get enough sleep and movement.

Another great way to spend quality time with yourself is creating a sleep and exercise routine you look forward to. By this you can have your own “ritual” before bed – put out gym clothes, have a nice cup of herbal tea to unwind, a good book, ambient meditative music or whatever you enjoy or would like to do for someone.

Create this for you so you actually look forward to the few minutes or an hour before bed. On most evenings I will have a cup of chamomile tea, do my gratituding and read a few pages of whichever book I am reading at the time, and if I am not reading anything, in particular, I will just do my gratutuding and call it a night. This little ritual makes me look forward to this part of my evening knowing that this time is my time.

Schedule in time for creative activities.

Life does get busy and if we don’t take care we end up not giving much attention to ourselves as we should. So another good way I have found to spend quality time with myself is to schedule the activities in my calendar. Yes make appointments with myself so I have the time to indulge in the creative things I love.

I know that Saturday late afternoons I do some baking and Sunday afternoons I do my writing. Having these in my schedule means that no other appointments are made at these times unless I have decided not to do these activities but I do my best to keep these appointments like I would do if I had that appointment with someone else.

Take yourself out – on a date or just sightseeing.

Do you find this strange or hard to do by yourself? It gets easier as you keep on doing things by yourself that society normally deems as done in pairs or groups. This is also one of the best ways to improve your self-confidence. We are social beings and thrive best in groups but this is also one of our biggest hindrances to living authentic and fulfilled lives where we seek to belong and be secure rather than dare to stand alone and be unique.

The ability to take yourself out either to the restaurant, cafe, cinema, art/music gallery, theatre, bowling or once again anything you fancy, alone does not only show your independence but your ability to be alone without being lonely. If Quality Time is your love language then finding ways and being bold to immerse yourself in these activities alone will benefit you as you get to study and know yourself differently and better.

As a result all these help you communicate your needs better to your relations. Bear in mind that these examples here are not exhaustive but a starting point if you want ideas as to how you can incorporate these in your self-care routine.

Also, one other fun way I have implemented keeping my word to myself when it comes to spending quality time with myself is setting a challenge for myself where I pencil in a fun activity for myself every weekend and I have been recently doing this for the last 6 weeks and it’s been so fun and rewarding as well.

I would love to share this challenge with you so if you resonate with wanting to spend time alone leave a comment and I will share this with you. Lastly, be rest assured that giving yourself some quality time alone – even if this isn’t your love language – is one of the best ways to take care of yourself.

Acts of Service in Self-care

In boarding school, I used to wonder why others complained about the weekly scrubbing or simply keeping their space tidy. I thought it was just my upbringing as my mum always had us cleaning up after ourselves from a very young age but then I found this to be the same even in my relationships when I would always clean coffee cups as soon as we were finished and wash down the bathroom sliders every day, even tidy up in the kitchen before I sat down to eat.

So, until I understood the love languages I used to call this my OCD but that wasn’t right, my need to have things in place and order was my love language expressing itself. I loved to do this for me but even better when others took the time to make sure that I wouldn’t need to ask more than once for them to reciprocate.

Should I have the choice, I would always choose – A squeaky clean house, a nice homemade healthy dinner and all to-dos crossed out on my list for a fulfilling day, if these were the options on a multiple-choice questionnaire.

If you resonate with these examples then Acts of Service is your love language and for you including the following practices in your self-care routine can be helpful.

Having a clean environment.

Tidy up a room, closet or the whole house. We all get very busy and sometimes the clutter piles up, this can be overwhelming but there is nothing soul fulfilling than to have your space all tidied up and airy.

It is even known that decluttering the physical environment helps to declutter the mind so for filling your cup just take a room at a time, or even just the closet or that space you keep putting off to clean and see the wonders of it on your whole well-being.

Preparing healthy meals.

I love cooking and enjoy cooking for others, this is one of the important ways I show love. For me cooking is more than just putting a bunch of ingredients together it is the thought and time put into the creation so whenever I cook I envision myself cooking for a party – not just the quantity but quality here and seeing the faces of people eating what I have made.

On a busy weekday evening you might not have the time to do the elaborate meal but still cook for you as you would for a guest. Having this in mind I normally batch cook for workday evenings but treat myself every weekend with the elaborated 2-3 course meals yes just because I deserve it and it makes my heart happy.

Listening to your body.

This is another good one which I am so proud of learning to do. I am constantly pushing myself be it at the gym, work or any activity I find myself doing. So, learning to listen to when I need to stop, breathe, relax and rejuvenate has been huge.

Most of my practices for this have been doing Yin yoga, meditation and sleep. Listening to my body has helped me reframe my mindset of thinking that rest is a waste of time to rest is time well spent nurturing me and that brings us to the next practice,

Scheduling time to look after yourself.

We touched on this previously in Quality Time and I cannot stress this enough. It might sound silly but if you are honest with yourself how often do you have that alone time to nurture yourself? and I’ll bet your calendar is filled with appointments for the kids, friends, relatives and your partner.

So again if you don’t make yourself a priority and schedule time for yourself knowing this is your love language you will end up resenting all that you do for others and even wonder why no one is doing anything for you. But remember this is your love language, not theirs and you alone know how to be loved in this aspect. Rightfully, so this leads us to my last suggestion,

Giving yourself what you need when you need it.

As mentioned above no one will know how to love you better than yourself so when you need or want something it is in your power to give it to yourself and exactly at the time you need it. Before sitting to write this, I woke up with a craving for a hearty breakfast with freshly baked bread, poached eggs beetroot and carrot juice.

I had been out doing my groceries yesterday so had no intention of going out of the house today but apart from the bread I had everything so I could’ve just omitted the bread and made do with everything else. But wait, would I have said to a guest, or partner? Would I have said, let’s forget the bread and just eat what we have? No, was the answer so I made my fresh beetroot juice put it in the fridge and went out just for the bread.

Yes, I wanted this and wanted it for my breakfast so I got it. I had this lovely meal and I was happy because I listened to me, I gave me what I needed when I needed it and I felt happy about it.

This might not be such an important example but the point is as someone with Acts of Service as my love language I will readily do this for anyone I care for because that is how I know best to express love and expect to be shown love so why not do it for me?

So here is a reminder that when you ask for things to be done in a certain way and keep on insisting this is probably how you expect to be shown love so when necessary do ask for help in things and explain to your relations how getting that help makes you feel.

It’s not a sign of weakness asking for help but strength for it is only the aware person that knows and understands the limits of their physical abilities. However, in the absence of others treat yourself like you will treat others or expect to be treated and fill your cup.

Do you resonate with Acts of Service as your love language if yes I would love to hear how you show yourself love through this in the comments.

The Gift of Physical Touch

Touch has a memory – John Keats

Embracing Physical Touch in Self-Care

The other day whilst visiting a friend, their dog ran to me I knelt to rub its ears and face for a good minute or so and as I got up to start a conversation, it kept on nudging me with its nose then my friend said – Oh yes he likes a rub behind the ears.

I smiled knelt and gently rubbed its ears again and yes this might be true for most dogs but I couldn’t help but think when I sat down to write that this also applies to us humans.

The dog felt safe and its needs met when I rubbed its ears the first time and nudging me to continue was just its way of letting me know what it liked. For someone whose love language is physical touch, one of the most reassuring things to receive is a good loving hug.

One that makes you feel safe, secure and loved. Physical touch can also be that very gentle pat on the shoulder or a squeeze of the hand or shoulder again. For you, the sensations on the skin mean so much to you, be it human touch, a nice piece of clothing or even enjoying some form of exercise that puts a smile on your face.

If this love language resonates with you then you are most probably a hugger 🙂 and show affection mostly through physical contact so a self-care routine might include

Wearing some flattering clothes.

Yes, there is nothing like the feel of a great piece of fabric on your skin one that gives that light feathery feel of being hugged lovingly. To get more of these feelings you will benefit from investing in quality though pricy pieces that give you the sensation of being kissed by nature or luxury.

Doing some physical activities.

Yoga, swimming, HIIT you name it. – Oh I do love getting the adrenaline going with exercise and Physical Touch isn’t even my dominant love language, but for you, these are some of the ways you will pay particular attention to your body.

You will put much thought into how these movements make you feel and what benefit you get from them. This also makes you extremely good at getting to know your body better and this brings us to the next practice,

Soak up in some good and invigorating oils.

A nice warm bath always helps. Listening to your body and giving yourself that love it needs to recover or rejuvenate must be a priority – actually, this is for everyone, but for you, the feel of water on your skin will probably have a different meaning for you. So spending time in a bath, spa, pool you name it, can do wonders for you physically and mentally, then when you’re done,

Look after your skin.

Maybe add moisturising your body to the bath routine. – Well if you are thinking why is this important doesn’t everyone do that after a shower the answer is not quite. Not everybody moisturises after a shower so if Physical Touch is your love language incorporating this will also help in filling your love tank.

Get some nice scented moisturiser, oil or if you’re allergic to perfume then a great nourishing cream for sensitive skin then rub this all over soothingly and gently as you would want were you to be paying for it and no this shouldn’t take more time than necessary. If you don’t have time every day then give yourself that time over the weekend because you deserve it. The last suggestion is

Schedule spa days or other skin-indulging activities.

Yes, I know this falls under the cliche of “self-love” but it is important here if you are to find activities for you to fill your own love language. As mentioned above the sensation of water can be healing and as you get to indulge in several experiences at the spa this is another great exercise to do for yourself and rightly so in the absence of others.

Now finally if hugging is a language you speak then as part of loving on you hug yourself – it might look silly but who cares because you deserve this taken-for-granted gift.

 

Giving Yourself Meaningful Gifts

People often shy away from this love language and sometimes even tend to see people who have this as their love language being shallow but that doesn’t have to be the case. I do love to receive a lovely bouquet – I buy it for myself most of the time now, or a well-thought-of homemade gift which I bet we all do like to receive from time to time.

For the one whose love language is Gifts, you will resort to the material aspect of love. The more things I want that I get the more loved I feel. You would gratefully receive a bouquet, a bottle of your favourite wine or a homemade gift anytime. For you receiving gifts is a vital part of communicating your love and you also find it easier to give.

If your loved ones are not meeting those needs as you would want to then indulging in some of the activities below will be a great way to show yourself the love that is yours to have:

Whenever you think about buying something for yourself only buy things you love.

This is a good one when you think of buying something for yourself don’t go cheap, if you buy a high-quality item for a loved one, treat yourself like that and get something you love and will want to have around for some time. Or if it’s an experience get one that will leave a lasting impression, don’t get the bad seats for that concert because they are cheaper no that will be a waste of your time and energy.

Invest in your personal development/education.

I should retake my love language test again because this is a favourite of mine but I guess most of the suggestions here do go well for Quality Time as well. For me, there is no better gift than investing in yourself be it formal education or personal development. Spending time, energy and finances to improve yourself leaves you with a gift no one can take from you and the rewarding part is you get to choose what you gift yourself.

Eat foods that nourish your body.

One of the overlooked is eating quality and nutritious food. When you go to pick up groceries do you tend to go for the quality ones or the ones always on sale? If you were hosting a very dear relation would you buy the cheapest ingredients to make the meals? If not then please treat yourself as that dear friend and choose quality ingredients to make nourishing food for you. This takes us to the last of the suggestions which is,

It is ok to buy yourself a little gift now and then.

Why not make it special and ask for it to be gift-wrapped? It is something I do sometimes when I go into a physical shop to get something for myself and I am asked if I want it gift-wrapped I say yes and have it wrapped.

Is it silly? Maybe. Does it make me happy? Yes. Sometimes it’s not always the grand gestures that matter but the little things we do for ourselves and this is one such thing. Remember one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is your time and self love and we can all use a good dose of that.

Overcoming Challenges and Growth in Practicing Self-Love Through Love Languages

The above practices on each love language aren’t exhaustive but steps to get you started, however practicing this can be a challenge especially when not in a conducive environment or around supportive people.

As you will need to take a good look at your personal needs it might seem that you are being selfish but self-care does involve a tiny bit of being selfish to cater to your needs. Some other challenges might also be because you’ve been so used to pleasing people that putting yourself first doesn’t feel good.

All these are valid but there is a solution. The reason why taking time to get to know your love language helps you better communicate your needs to others and also understand why they react, expect and behave in certain ways.

Learning to love ourselves is a simple but complicated journey with many facets. The more we learn how to fill our self-love tanks by knowing exactly how to do so, the better we get at pouring into others.

I have found that getting to know myself better and what fills my self-love tank, through exploring the love languages has helped me understand and be understood in ways that would be a cause of frustration for many unaware of this.

A gentle reminder here is YOU matter, I matter and so it is a great service to all of humanity if we take time to get to know our true selves by taking care of ourselves. I would love to know in the comments what your love language is, what are some of your favourite affirmations and what gift you are giving to yourself today?

Love & light

Sheila Daisy